Mordo on a Rampage

So I've been nicotine deprived since January 7, 2009 and I don't care what the experts or the books might tell you. Withdrawal symptoms are real. Very. Fucking. Real. The first week was plagued by nausea and vertigo which was surprisingly, not that bad. This week however, it seems it's my mood that's ridiculously out of whack. Yesterday, I felt incredibly sad and I could not figure out why. I'm still feeling a little down right now actually. Earlier today, I wasn't able to get any sleep because I was keeping an anxiety attack at bay. And now, an hour and a half before I get off work, I'm feeling very very sleepy.

No matter what however, I finally have the resolve to get rid of this filthy habit once and for all.Wish me luck.

This was nothing more than a test blog really. But now, 2 years since the last post was written here, I've decided to start using this old Vox account. Not a lot of people know I have it and I think I'll keep it that way for now. Watch out. I'm on the comeback trail. And I am on a fricking rampage! Huzzah!!!

Paper_and_pencil

I used to write poems. I don’t think I was very good at it but during those times when I did, I did so to keep myself sane. As such, I poured tremendous amounts of time and effort just to finish a poem that took shape in my mind. My poems were hardly about my own experiences. Most of the time they were made up stories reeking of absolute normality, cloaking the fact that they were spun by a mind that was slowly twisting into a tangled mess. And in the end, the coils of confusion won. My writing failed to save me.

This is probably why after a long and arduous trek back to lucidity, I stopped writing poems altogether. The funny thing is I miss it. I miss losing myself in the realm of words, struggling to give form to an amorphous abstraction,  a shapeless idea.  Thus I have decided to  take a stab at it again, if only  for myself. I am actually excited to experience it without the complexities of my neuroses.

If you’re wondering what sent me over to this emo tainted spell, it was coming across a poem I wrote a long time ago, one of the last I’ve ever been able to produce. I’m not particularly proud of it. In retrospect it is painfully juvenile, but I have decided to post it here nontheless. Worry not dear reader, as these bouts of sentimentality will not be a regular thing. They will be few and far in between. But do indulge me for now. Here’s the poem:

So there. I will understand if you have to go away and puke now.

Walrussurfing2

It may seem elitist but I can't help agreeing with it. There really is no other way about it. I wish I could describe it to you. The anticipation while waiting for a beautiful wave, the rush of adrenaline the moment you grab it and pop up, the sheer exhiliration of riding it all the way to shore, they're just too much for words. The only way you can actually understand it is by getting off your ass and heading off to the beach. There are a few surf spots relatively near Metro Manila. Pundaquit beach in Zambales and San Juan in La Union are my favorites. I'm still just a grommet (newbie surfer) and they have breaks that are perfect for me.

Driving in this country brings out the worst in me. It's no secret, I'm not a nice guy, but I honest to goodness try to be a good person. I do. I really do. But at times, my rage just begs for release. I know I can't. Lives are at stake. And I really can't allow that to happen. Again. So forgive me for ranting. I need to blow off some steam. Trust me it might be for your own safety. And if you happen to be one of the pricks on the road that drive me dangerously close to my breaking point, then learn something from this. I don't want to make Papa Jesus cry anymore.

You really won't like me when I'm angry. And it's not because I'll turn green and wear tight purple shorts to scare you all with my massive manhood. It's just that when I do get angry, people tend to get hurt. And right now, there are quite a few people who I want to hurt really bad. Fortunately, my sanity is in check, if only barely.

Some of these people are stupid drivers who for some inexplicable reason, are under the utterly wrong delusion that driving slow equals driving safe. Wake the fuck up people! That can get you shot. If not by me, then by other people who have even less control of their rage than I do. And one other thing, why is it that when you fail to keep up with the regular pace of traffic, you feel compelled to straddle two goddamn lanes? WHY?!!! Why do you force me to run you off the road? Why do you force me to drive like a madman in order for me to cut in front of you to give you a fucking scare? Oh, and another thing, why do some of you have such a difficult time using your signal lights? I'm at a bit of a loss here. Is it really that hard? Do you not know what they're for? Even when I'm cutting some idiot off I still use my signal lights. I'm letting them know that I'm running them off the road! Look, like I said, I'm not nice, but I really really don't want to kill you. So please, stop kidding yourself that you know what the fuck you are doing and go to driving school. Otherwise, just don't drive.

Other people on my list are drivers who are too lazy or just plain incompetent that they occupy more than one parking space. I swear, some days I stand with a baseball bat in hand, beside the offensive car waiting for the imbecile who parked as if they own the whole fucking lot to show up, just so I can bash their freaking skull in. Why don't I just damage the car? Well, it's not the car's fault it's driven by a moron. Good thing I am able to keep my temper in check or else we'd have bloody parking lots all over Ortigas Center. So please, don't be greedy with the parking. I might just snap one of these days. Ask yourself, do you really want to limp for the rest of your life?

And scooters. Please don't get me started on those god-forsaken scooters. Do you really have to weave in and out of traffic all the fucking time? Do you have a deathwish or something? Please let me know and we'll arrange something. I won't feel half as bad killing you if you give me your consent. Oh so you want to live eh? Then for your own sake, know that you are on a motor vehicle and that you are bound by the same rules of the road as I am. At the same time, know that you are not a car. And no, wearing a fancy helmet does not turn your pathetic put-put into a Ducati, no matter how much you've tinkered with it's engine. So get the hell off the fast lane!

I won't even talk about you bus and truck drivers. Most of you are crazy and you would really do the world a favor if you all just OD on your metampethamines and died!

Ahhh, you clueless pedestrians. Why is it that you must insist on walking aimlessly on the street? Why do some of you insist on crossing a busy thoroughfare inspite the foot bridge right above you? Why don't you get off your fucking cellphone and pay attention to getting across safely first? You expect us to stop all the fucking time? Do you turdwads know how hard that is to do when we're doing 80kph and you just pop out of nowhere like the pieces of shit that you are? You are putting my driver's license at risk. You are putting me at risk. Sure, if I do hit you you could get injured or hopefully die. But I will have to stop driving. I could get my ass in jail. And your free loading relatives will want to milk me dry. I do not wish to go to prison. I would like to keep driving. And I would like to hold on to my money. So please, be smart and don't get run over. It's just plain inconsiderate.

So please people, drivers and pedestrians alike, for the love of whatever it is you consider holy, take your brain with you when you step out of your house. Be mindful when you're on the road. I can only take so much.